Better Days

I've sat on this post for a while trying to figure how what i was and am feeling and how to describe it all.  It wasn't just 8 months of training, it was 4 years of preparation. 4 years of besting my last performance, 4 years of eating healthy, 4 years of "I'll just have water to drink" when I go out. 4 years and not to accomplish what I wanted.

                                              

It sucks, that's all there is to it.  Fucking sucks. I want to say I can roll it off but its hard. Its hard to put in everything and come up short. If you've ever seen the end of the movie Friday Night Lights where Billy Bob Thorton is the football coach you can imagine all the emotions that I faced when I crossed the line at the Olympic trials. To put everything out there is hard enough but for it not to work is something new to me. I've never not gotten what I wanted after putting 100% effort into it.

I don't regret how I played the season out. I took a shot and it didn't pan out. But I wouldn't have done anything different, so in reality I have no regrets.  A famous man once wrote "when life gives you lemons, some else gets dog shit" (G.M. 2012). Basically someone has it worse. I was going for a shot at making the team. There are many who were expected to not only make it but also medal who ended up missing it. Really this means nothing, but its a great way to rationalize.

So now the pressure's off. It's all about just running fast for me. Basically what it should have been from the start. I've raced 4 times since nationals and have been to Flagstaff, phoenix, Calgary, Moncton, Halifax, Toronto, Ottawa Rome, Pergine and not heading to Milan then fly to Dublin then Stockholm  all within the month. So 12 cities and 5 countries....I love living out of a suitcase and seeing the world.

Racing has not gone as planned. My races have been frustrating. Every opening seems to close up on me. I go inside, it shuts down, I swing outside, it shuts down. I've tried coming from behind and from the front and nothing is working....WTF!

Last night I had my first race in Europe. My plan was to sit back relax then move the last 200m. Everything was perfect, 200m left the rabbit (pace setter) starts moving wide, so I start to go, except the rabbit stays in my way. I move wider, he moves wider. I swing out to lane 5 and put the hammer down going from 6th to 3rd but got nipped at the line (0.01). 1:48.64. 1st was 1:48.44. First place was mine if I had better positioning.

My next race is Dublin for the Irish Miles Club. There's no Pacer so I'm getting out front. Get out of the shit and set my own pace. Why not try it. Everything else seems to blow up in my face. Let's try something new! Just trying to stay confident and remind myself I do this because I enjoy it.